Having the scary conversations
Today’s guest post is by Joseph Grenny, author of the New York Times-bestseller “Crucial Conversations” and co-founder of VitalSmarts, an innovator in corporate training and organizational performance. Read more at Crucialskills.com.
My co-authors and I have long observed people’s fear of holding crucial conversations. The reality is that when it comes to talking about high-stakes, emotional or uncomfortable issues, most people run the other way because experience tells them the conversation will end badly.
Our latest poll confirms that when it comes to speaking up at work, most people will do whatever it takes to avoid scary conversations with their boss, co-workers, and direct reports.
According to the study, 70 percent of employees are currently facing a scary conversation at work and yet, 34 percent put off holding that conversation for at least a month by avoiding their colleagues. For example, one respondent hurried into the women’s bathroom to avoid the person with whom she needed to hold a scary conversation — to her surprise, he followed her in there! Worse still, nearly one in four people have put off holding a scary conversation for more than a year.
Unfortunately, for the timid, the skills to speak up to anyone about anything aren’t just nice to have, they’re necessary to be successful. That’s because our research shows the select few who know how to speak up candidly and respectfully — no matter the topic — are viewed as top performers in their organization.
Here are 6 tips to help you stop avoiding and start holding crucial conversations about bad behavior.
- Talk face-to-face and in private. Don’t chicken out by reverting to e-mail or phone. While the distance may help you pony up to the conversation, it will complicate the message for the other person, who cannot read your body language, facial expressions or emotional queues.
- Assume the best of others. Perhaps he or she is unaware of what they’re doing. This positive attitude helps you enter the conversation as a curious friend who would like to solve a problem rather than an angry co-worker who wants to fix the other person (leading to defensiveness and negative feedback).
- Use tentative language. Avoid your tendency to tear into the other person or dance around the subject. Begin by tentatively describing the problem with phrases such as, “I’m not sure you’re intending this . . .” or “I’m not even sure you’re aware. . .”
- Share facts not conclusions. Never, ever start with your nasty conclusions: “You’re out to make me look bad!”, “You’re insensitive and uncaring!” Not only are your conclusions unscientific and possibly wrong, but they’re almost guaranteed to create defensiveness. So say something like, “In the last two meetings you laughed at my suggestion. I expect people to disagree, but laughing?”
- Ask for their view. Next, ask if he or she sees the problem differently. You’re now poised to have a healthy conversation about bad behavior.
- Use equal treatment. These skills apply to bosses and co-workers alike. Bosses don’t deserve special treatment. Everyone needs to be treated like a reasonable, rational person who deserves your respect.
Image credit, killerb10, via iStock
Tags: career success, workplace conflict
Categories: General Management
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Posted by SmartBlog on Workforce » Blog Archive » A word from the fashion police on November 3rd, 2009 at 11:00 am
[...] blogger Joseph Grenny recently tackled the topic of the human aversion to tough talks. He provided six great tips for having those difficult conversations. I would like to advocate that human resources staffers [...]
Posted by Louise McGregor on November 5th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
Focus on Situation/Behaviour/Outcome can help keep in neutral
eg “in meetings (situation) when you arrive late (behaviour) it disrupts the meeting and means we repeat material already covered (outcome)”
then ask the person what they will change.
It’s very simple, it’s effective and it’s treating your team/boss/colleague as an adult.
Posted by SmartBlog on Workforce » Blog Archive » Today’s bonus tracks: Don’t hesitate to talk to employees about problems with the way they speak on November 23rd, 2009 at 5:26 pm
[...] in October, guest blogger Joseph Grenny tackled the topic of how to have tough talks. Earlier this month, I addressed a tough but necessary talk many employers should be having: [...]
Posted by SBWorkforce on October 1st, 2009 at 9:45 am
6 tips for scary conversations:http://is.gd/3QwXj
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Posted by Debra_Blueberry on October 1st, 2009 at 1:27 pm
The Scary Conversation: http://bit.ly/HrHj4 Great advice; scary conversations must happen to succeed, personally & professionally.
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Posted by SusanZelinski on October 1st, 2009 at 1:34 pm
6 Tips for Having that Scary Conversation http://bit.ly/lHzLv #crucialconversations
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Posted by luckypenny on October 1st, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Really good article RT @Debra_Blueberry: The Scary Conversation: http://bit.ly/HrHj4 must happen to succeed, personally & professionally.
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Posted by BirminghamWorks on October 1st, 2009 at 2:25 pm
6 Tips for having confrontational conversations: http://tinyurl.com/ybzq2hl
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Posted by Kingdom_Bus_Mag on October 1st, 2009 at 2:25 pm
6 Tips for having confrontational conversations: http://tinyurl.com/ybzq2hl
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Posted by nr_TimMcpherson on October 1st, 2009 at 2:39 pm
Having the scary conversations at work http://is.gd/3QT3O you can’t avoid them, but you can handle them better.
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Posted by nr_johnheaney on October 1st, 2009 at 2:39 pm
Having the scary conversations at work http://is.gd/3QT3O you can’t avoid them, but you can handle them better.
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Posted by stephenmaser on October 1st, 2009 at 2:55 pm
Sound advice…use facts and no email #career advice #career http://ow.ly/sd5D
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Posted by PattiBreckenrdg on October 1st, 2009 at 3:01 pm
6 tips to tackle high-stakes issues by co-author of ‘Crucial Conversations’: http://is.gd/3QwXj (via @brittnem @SBWorkforce) #conflict #hr
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Posted by GAStroz on October 1st, 2009 at 3:06 pm
6 tips for preparing for scary conversations – helps to assume the best of others http://ow.ly/sbVY
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Posted by drlizbywater on October 1st, 2009 at 3:38 pm
6 Tips for Having a Tough Conversation http://bit.ly/HrHj4
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Posted by KenBurgin on October 1st, 2009 at 4:11 pm
6 tips for handling scary conversations – share & practice with timid managers http://su.pr/2ghV0a
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Posted by hueymlee on October 1st, 2009 at 4:15 pm
6 tips for handling a tough conversation http://bit.ly/S2piO
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Posted by scyphers on October 1st, 2009 at 10:01 pm
6 tips for a hard conversation: http://bit.ly/HrHj4 (SmartBlogs)
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Posted by SBWorkforce on October 2nd, 2009 at 6:18 am
6 tips for handling a tough conversation, by Joseph Grenny, in yesterday’s most clicked: http://is.gd/3S2Or
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Posted by hrbartender on October 2nd, 2009 at 6:25 am
6 tips for handling a tough conversation, by Joseph Grenny, in yesterday’s most clicked (via @SBWorkforce): http://is.gd/3S2Or
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Posted by Snuphaluphagus on October 2nd, 2009 at 8:47 am
SmartBlog on Workforce » Blog Archive » Having the scary conversations http://bit.ly/18Dic6
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Posted by nadinekf on October 2nd, 2009 at 9:31 am
Having the scary conversations http://ow.ly/sk29
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Posted by PattiBreckenrdg on October 2nd, 2009 at 9:43 am
6 tips to tackle high-stakes issues by co-author of ‘Crucial Conversations’: http://is.gd/3QwXj (via @brittnem @SBWorkforce) #conflict
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Posted by davidabrock on October 2nd, 2009 at 10:31 am
Tips for having difficult conversations and providing feedback. http://ow.ly/sjeB
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Posted by jabbyrecruiter on October 2nd, 2009 at 10:52 am
Having the scary conversations http://bit.ly/1zmQ72 via @AddToAny @SBWorkforce
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Posted by TaraKachaturoff on October 2nd, 2009 at 2:40 pm
SmartBlog on Workforce » Blog Archive » Having the scary conversations http://ow.ly/scOv
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Posted by ITConnection on October 4th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
How to have the BIG conversations.. the scary ones.. http://bit.ly/11fuw4
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Posted by SBWorkforce on October 5th, 2009 at 6:29 am
6 tips for handling a tough conversation, in Friday’s most clicked: http://twurl.nl/tyqx1z
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Posted by ComeRecommended on October 6th, 2009 at 9:25 am
6 tips for handling a tough conversation: http://bit.ly/cT7Bb
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Posted by GregBarrette on October 6th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
6 tips for handling a tough conversation: http://bit.ly/cT7Bb
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Posted by MPACEnews on October 6th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
Good tips for managers (or anyone who interacts with other people) Having the scary conversations http://bit.ly/1zmQ72 via @AddToAny
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Posted by HCITJobs on October 8th, 2009 at 8:20 am
Having the scary conversations http://ow.ly/sVAO
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Posted by PearsonTechComm on October 13th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
What’s the best way(s) to handle scary conversations you need to have with someone else? http://bit.ly/YPxid
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Posted by ComeRecommended on October 23rd, 2009 at 11:12 am
6 tips for handling a tough conversation: http://bit.ly/cT7Bb
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Posted by DanKlamm on October 23rd, 2009 at 11:18 am
Really good advice for handling tough conversations at work. RT @ComeRecommended – http://bit.ly/cT7Bb
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Posted by StevePasierb on October 23rd, 2009 at 2:26 pm
Most people will do whatever it takes to avoid tough conversations with boss, co-workers, & direct reports http://tinyurl.com/ybzq2hl
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Posted by Keppie_Careers on October 23rd, 2009 at 6:44 pm
6 tips for handling a tough conversation via @SBWorkforce RT @ComeRecommendedhttp://bit.ly/cT7Bb
This comment was originally posted on Twitter