Employees complain in engagement surveys that their bosses don’t treat them with respect or as unique individuals. Yet on the flip side, research shows that bosses who treat people with kindness, respect and dignity are “seen as less powerful than other managers.”
What a dreadful paradox: We want to be treated with kindness yet don’t respect those who do so. What’s up with this?
In the workplace, kindness — being friendly, generous and considerate — is often dismissed as a weakness because of the negative stereotypes that cling to it: pushover, sucker, patsy or nice guy (or gal) who finishes last. Kindness isn’t typically rewarded at review time, given that most business performance is evaluated on what’s done rather than how it’s done.
Soft skills such as kindness lose their sizzle (if they ever had any) when compared with off-the-charts sales and other impressive bottom-line impacts delivered by the tough guys whose bad behavior often gets overlooked.
Because we see the it’s-all-about-me behaviors rewarded more generously than the we’re-all-in-this-together ones, “Managers see respect and power as two mutually exclusive avenues to influence, and many choose the latter,” says Batia Wiesenfeld, et al, in “Why Fair Bosses Fall Behind.” Nice is about me; kind is about you: So how does a character-based leader who wants to treat employees with dignity escape the paradox of the kindness hamster wheel?
Choose kindness over rudeness despite the personal cost. If you want to treat people kindly, then do so, fully aware that your choice can be costly. Research in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology indicates that men who are agreeable earn less money per year (upward of $10,000) than those who opt to be disagreeable.
Commit to the Goldilocks principle of getting kindness just right. “Kindness, like many other traits, has an optimal level that makes it a virtue as opposed to a vice,” writes William Baker and Michael O’Malley in “Leading with Kindness.” Combining empathy with accountability is a skill set that no kind leader should be without.
Embrace a both/and approach to leadership. Truly kind and effective leaders understand they can both provide candid feedback and disagree with people, and leave others’ self-respect intact. Don’t confuse kindness with being likeable. Offering an alternative point of view doesn’t make you unkind.
Learn what power really is. From all the media accounts of power run amok, it’s gotten a bum rap of being all ego-centric and self-serving. Hooey. One can do well, show kindness and be as powerful as all get-out. Dare to be kind. Buck those kindness-as-weakness stereotypes and encourage those around you to do the same.
Break the cycle. Accept kindness from others without typecasting them as powerless. Flip the stereotype on its head by recognizing that those who treat you kindly are being truly powerful. They’ve courageously chosen to not follow the me-centered path.
The next time someone shows you respect, cares what you think or deals with you fairly — in short, treats you with kindness — don’t sell them or yourself short by presuming they’re without influence or smarts or power.
Jane Perdue is the founder of Braithwaite Innovation Group and a leadership and women’s issues consultant, speaker and writer. Perdue is @thehrgoddess on Twitter and can also be found blogging at LeadBIG.
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Great post! A quality leader is one who inspires and motivates – not dictates. A boss who takes the time to coach employees and bring out the best in them can improve the performance of not only a team but an entire department.
Rachel – you couldn't be more right about the positive people and bottom line impact a people-centric boss can have. Thanks for your kind words!
"Hooey"? I agree. I think of "power" as the dark side of "influence." People who are under authority are the ones that can get things done. That authority may come from a boss, but most often that authority comes from the very people you're trying to influence. When people give you the power to influence their free will and chosen behaviors, there is indeed much power and much good that can come from it.
In its purest sense, power is the neutral capacity to bring about change and flows from a variety of sources. How one chooses to use their power is when it becomes either positive or negative.
"Hooey" is one of those Midwest terms I grew up with that follows me everywhere. Thanks for enriching the discussion, Mike!
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Jane,
It does take a certain amount of daring to be kind, because kindness doesn't grab headlines. If it did, think of how much more pleasant the evening news would be to watch.
Jennifer – let's all be bold and be kind…so the evening news speaks of accomplishments and what's right rather than what's wrong!
Great article Jane. Too often people confuse 'soft skills' with 'softness', and genuine kindness with lack of drive or authority. Of course it is possible to overdo it, but I'd far rather be known as genuine and kind than ruthless and bullying.
In my experience, positive encouragement and genuine celebration of achievement, combined with honest analysis and support if things go wrong, are far more likely to achieve the desired outcome and a happy team. Threats or punishment may produce short-term responses but foster long-term resentment and underperformance.
The question is – is that a majority or minority viewpoint?
Aidan –
Great observation that people think wrongly about "soft skills" as signaling weakness. Combining empathy with accountability is a unique skill set no leader should be without in my opinion. It’s the ultimate leadership balance beam act between task completion and relationship. Being tough and tender. Having high standards and high touch.
As to your minority/majority viewpoint…I'm going to say minority simply because most reward and recognition systems aren't designed to remunerate those behaviors.
Thanks for sharing!
Love. this. I was wondering how old I'd be before our management philosophies caught up to what we learned playing in the sandbox. Another great change taking place is the idea that collaboration and empathy are not only needed skills but ones we should reward. Amidst trying times, new (old ideas) are seeing traction.
Such great news
Thanks much for your kind words! Collaboration and empathy are key leadership tools and should be part of every competency model and reward system. Love how you reference sandbox skills…that's one of my favorite phrases.
At my organization anual reviews evaluates your results and how you obtain them. Goals and Behaivors, both contribute to a good review here.
Kudos to your organization for placing equal value on what you do and how you do…what a great approach! Thanks for sharing!
Great to discuss the usually unspoken issues around "kindness" Jane. Kindness is definitely the road less travelled in the business world, but kindness along with character based leadership is the key, the secret to better results and greater fulfilment. I think that people who dare to be kind are actually tougher than those that aren't yet able to be so. So heartened that you have raised the issue so eloquently. Kind people are often viewed with suspicion as to their motives and as to their strength. But true kindness is simply misunderstood in my experience. Thanks for a great post.
Christina – thanks much for your kind words and apt comments! As Jennifer noted in her comment, one must be bold to display kindness. Guess we need more people dancing with the elephant in the room so kindness is viewed and valued with respect, not with suspicion as you note.
First and foremost if you are really good at your profession, people know. If you perform very well at a high level and its is not at some ones expesnse, people see and know. Please dont confuse respect with kindness. Alway have respect for others. "Do unto other what you would have them do unto you" Learn to differenciate the task or skill set from the person. Everyone is prescious and unique. Objective conversations about perfrominig a skill must stay objective and not becoem cruel. Critism of the person on the other hand is a poor reflection of your inner worth. Say what you mean and mean what you say, and you must also live by these values yourself.
John – thank you for stopping by and adding some good advice. There's respect for the position and respect for the person, and the character-based leader (one who uses their head to manage and their heart to lead) has both.
Jane, Thank you for discussing this paradox. Leaders are often caught in the middle. This is certainly one of the areas in which they walk a fine line, but you are correct. They must "Choose kindness over rudeness despite the personal cost." That has to be the rule rather than the exception.
Lyn – I so agree with you that the default leadership position is being kind (but not weak) as the rule rather than the exception. Now it's on to modifying competency models, reward and recognition programs, etc. to ensure that the "rule" gets embedded in the fabric of leadership going foward. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for your kind words!