This post is by contributor Mary C. Schaefer, a speaker, coach, trainer and consultant specializing in creating manager-employee communication breakthroughs and functional and positive work cultures. View and connect with Schaefer via her Re-Imagine Work blog or @MarySchaefer Twitter profile.
Have you heard of the book “The One-Minute Manager”? I know a guy I call the 18-Minute Manager, or Jake, for our purposes. Jake was having a hard time getting through to his employee, Sophie, about significant problems in her performance. I agreed to sit in the next meeting he had with her.
Less talking, more listening. Jake started the meeting and talked for 18 minutes. He did not pause. He did not ask Sophie one question. Soon he dismissed Sophie from the room. As she left, I asked her what she heard Jake say. She said, “I don’t know what he’s talking about.” I seriously doubt that, but I don’t blame her for saying it.
As human beings we can be uncomfortable with conflict or confrontation. Despite the temptation to avoid a conversation that raises defenses, leaders guide employees through it. It is both unkind and irresponsible not to.
It takes a leader to do it well. To conduct these conversations as a leader would, it is your job to invite the other person into the conversation, keep their defenses down, and create a space for them to see how they are accountable and show you are on his or her side at the same time. How can you too achieve this?
- Get it all out. Like Jake, you might have a certain level of frustration. Don’t take this for granted. If you have a lot to say, write it out or vent to an appropriate partner. Do this before you get in front of the employee.
- Keep your part brief. Practice and plan to only say two sentences and one question at any one time. The longer you talk, the more they build up their defenses. The more airtime you use, the less likely you’ll uncover what is going on in the employee’s head that you need to address.
- Get them talking as quickly as possible. After appropriate greetings and getting comfortable, a manager in Jake’s position could start with: “Sophie, you and I have talked about an aspect of your performance a few times now. I want to make sure you understand the impact it’s having on both your co-workers and your own performance. What have you been thinking about this?”
- Dialogue, dialogue, dialogue. Don’t just plunge forward as if with a script. Ask questions building on their responses. Be curious. If you offer two statements, use them to summarize what you heard. An opinion or fact may be appropriate at some points. But remember, you are to lead them through a discussion to where they can examine their own thinking and behavior that is causing them problems.
- Inspire hope and action. Keep going with the good questions and assertions, using their responses until you have a plan of action you both can go forward with. It should not all end up on your to-do list. The person in front of you should leave the room encouraged and realize one action they can take immediately to improve.
This approach, to me, is true leading. When people are sitting there, already feeling defensive, we as humans can only take in so much at one time. Taking that into consideration, by planning and putting your own frustration aside will allow you to lead an employee through a discussion that helps them think through what got them there and how to see their way to success.
Image credit: ia_64, via iStockphoto
Twitter
Facebook
Linkedin
RSS
Great story and guidance for listening well Mary. My coach long ago shared with me the golden rule of listening – If you are not being heard, chances are you are not listening. Some of the best advice I ever got. And it can be hard to remember so I appreciate the reminder!
Thanks Susan. Isn't it so true? I had to learn this the hard way myself. A mental flag for me is that if I find myself thinking, "They just need to understand (fill in the blank)," I have probably been doing too much talking and need to start asking and listening.
Mary, as you point out, there is an art to guiding a potentially contentious conversation. Your points help any person approach such conversations without making the person wrong or looking at them judgmentally. These are two key elements to having the conversation go well. BUT, as you point out, there needs to be a dialogue, not a monologue.
Nice post, Mary – as usual.
Thanks for commenting Shawn. Poor Jake, I've gotten so much mileage from that story, but it was such a good example of what not to do. #1 easy to remember, as you stated, NO MONOLOGUES!
Thanks again, Mary
Mary, this is a good post. Listening is the first step to understanding. Without understanding, communication disconnects. Probably the most important part of your post that I would like to point out is asking questions and exposing the thinking of the person you are attempting to influence. I think this is a vitally important skill when delegating tasks, when responding to an employee's question to help them develop their own problem solving skills and ultimately to high levels of engagement among the tribe you lead.
Thanks Dianne for noticing the point about asking questions to expose the other person's thinking. You hit the nail on the head with the insight: "I think this is a vitally important skill when delegating tasks, when responding to an employee's question to help them develop their own problem solving skills and ultimately to high levels of engagement among the tribe you lead."
You clearly get that this is the hallmark of good coaching, helping yourself (if you're the supv) *and* mostly the other person to uncover what is going on, whether it be an assumption or misinterpretation, that is preventing success.
Thanks Dianne for commenting. Mary
I have many years in law enforcement where the greatest attribute is communication. You remind us about the forgotten 'listening' part of communications. Two ears-one mouth. It's funny how the one doing most of the talking is seldom the leader of the conversation.
Thank you Rick for raising up your experience in law enforcement. I coached a group of LA officers earlier this year and they were delighted to realize that their skill in interviewing and interrogation could be adapted to coaching employees to get work done – to help people uncover their own blocks.
Along with good listening comes good questions, questions that are based on what you just heard, which skilled interviewers/ interrogators know well.
Thanks for commenting! Mary
Thanks for sharing this. It is very true that listening is the biggest tool for the success in any business. It is really a very important skill to become a good leader.
Thank you Poul for commenting. I was recently listening to Tribes by Seth Godin. Near the end he talks about how some of the most successful leaders are good listeners — listening intently and seriously to their constituents before making a decision. Not necessarily listening TO change the decision but to make an informed decision. Constituents are more likely to accept and respect decisions even if they don't agree with them, when the feel heard out. Thanks for raising up the connection between leadership and listening, Poul.
Best Regards,
Mary
As a youngster, I was told this is why the good Lord gave us two ears, but only one mouth…use them proportionally.
Thanks George. Love that aphorism.
Best Regards,
Mary
Listening is the cornerstone of communication but it is often overlooked and very much misunderstood. Listening is not a passive action. It is highy interactive and I feel also requires training in it's own right. As you noted the listener must move the other person through the discussion. That is not that easy of a task. The ability to listen is like many other talents. The more experience you have with it the better you will be.
What to listen for is in and of it self a specialized talent. In many cases a generalization is much more telling than the surrounding specific facts.
Jim, your comments sound like they come from experience. This is a nuance you stated very well, "What to listen for is in and of it self a specialized talent. *In many cases a generalization is much more telling than the surrounding specific facts.*" YES!
Thank you for commenting.
Mary
Great article, Mary. Listening is such an essential interaction skill that leaders need to have. More than just for coaching, it’s one of those basics all leaders have to master if they’re going to be successful at any interaction they have with their team, peers, or their own managers. Along with listening, I believe skills such as involving (to your point about asking questions), supporting, empathizing and generally being respectful carry incredible weight in interactions and help leaders to get more work done through their team. I would add to your heading “It takes a leader to do it well” that “To BE a leader, you have to do it well.”
Thank you for "adding to," Aviel. I like this: "I would add to your heading “It takes a leader to do it well” that “To BE a leader, you have to do it well.”
My Best,
Mary
Begin all questions with the words who, what, when, where and how. Once asked, shut up and listen.
Thanks Charles. Excellent addition.
I actually put that on a worksheet I give managers to plan for such discussions. One step is "Stop talking now."
My Best,
Mary
[...] Keep your part brief. Practice and plan to only say two sentences and one question at any one time. The longer you talk, the more they build up their defenses. The more airtime you use, the less likely you’ll uncover what is going on in the employee’s head that you need to address. Read full article by @MarySchaefer via smartblogs.com [...]
82% of the population are followers. Leadership is a Gift!
Learn Your Gift Today: http://www.milestonemotivation.com/gifts
[...] in creating positive work cultures through more effective communication, recently ran a piece on SmartBlogs.com on the importance of listening for strong leadership. She explains that, as human beings, many of [...]
Thank you Linda Harding for sharing this article by Mary Schaefer.
Listening as a leader is an incredibly powerful tool. At times I find myself talking when I should be listening. When able to catch myself, I'll immediately stop and ask for feedback / opinions.
By talking less, and listening more, my leadership ability has improved immensely.
Thank you for commenting William. You are reminding me of a good reminder device a fellow coach shared with me. Put "W.A.I.T." on your desk, computer, phone whatever. It stands for "Why Am I Talking?" Thank YOU for reminding me, William! Mary
this is very nice idea.i have got it for my profession.and try utilize this idea
Thanks umaya for commenting. Mary
Good reminders. One of the best lessons I ever learned as a leader was to shut up! It's amazing what creating the space can lead to, yet many accomplished leaders have so many ideas and can think so quickly that we don't realize we're filling all the space and answering questions for ourselves. I found, however, that when I practiced active listening and got comfortable with silence, so much more would emerge from my team. It's one of the skills I still work on every day, and has been the best thing I've done to strengthen my effectiveness and my relationships with others.
Wow, Darcy, thanks for sharing your personal experience with this. I think you've hit on something about the thinking quickly. I think I am also driven by "getting things DONE!" Sometimes I don't even realize I've asked the person 3 questions one-after-the-other without pausing. Not helpful… but your comments ARE, so thank you. Mary
[...] será que é preciso falar tanto para ser um líder? O SmartBlog mostra que um cargo de liderança tem muito mais a ver com ouvir os funcionários e conhecer bem os [...]
some stupid message
[...] Why true leadership involves less talking and more listening [...]
[...] Why true leadership involves less talking and more listening (Mary Schaefer, SmartBlog on Leadership) [...]
[...] Why true leadership involves less talking and more listening (Mary Schaefer, SmartBlog on Leadership) [...]
[...] specializing in creating manager-employee communication breakthroughs and functional and positive work cultures. View and connect with Schaefer via her Re-Imagine Work blogor @MarySchaefer Twitter [...]